When I Write

Every morning I wake up at between 4:00AM and 5:00AM to start my day. I jump in the shower to let the water kiss my neck to get me energized for the day, then rush to the kitchen to start a fresh pot of coffee. For every writer, we have to set the mood before we dive into the worlds that blossom from deep within our creative souls. For me, my days are much better when I get at least 1,500 words down because I feel like I’ve accomplished something. I feel like I’ve released a piece of my soul that was either going to affect my mood for the rest of the day. This is absolutely why i spend so much time writing instead of playing video games or lying on the couch eating a bag of Cheetos.

When I open my laptop, I check my sales and stats to see where my books are at for the week. I always cross my fingers to hope I’ve met at least one of my sales goals. Then, I go back to my team and let them know what part of social media we’re going to push for the day. After all of the business is taken care of, I go back to my Word Document and tap away to get my word count goal reached for the day.

But where does my mind go when I write?

The simple way to tell you is to go back to my novella “Deadly Dominance”. When I wrote that book in May, I fell into an abyss where I was angry at individuals in my life. There was this tension that strummed at my emotions needing and pleading to be put to ink and paper.

I had spent so much time focusing on my faith for a year, I forgot that I needed to take care of myself. I was so focused on helping the people around me that needed it and never thought to say “No” once. Well, it wasn’t until I was told that my epic fantasy was torn apart by an individual at my church. Then, another individual decided to approach me after a sermon and tell me “If you keep walking in this path away from the church, Satan will take over your life and you’ll be back where you were a year ago. This time he may pull the trigger for you.” 

Yeah, the way I see it forcing is just like pushing. The anger bubbled in me and the fear started to return. Everything was a haze of black for a few weeks, and I was returning to my old ways of killing bottle of rum within days at a time. I was turning into an alcoholic without even realizing it because I let people I thought I could trust with my emotions and work break me. People ask me “Are you a man of faith?” I am to an extent. I’m no where close to being perfect and I’m not the best Christian out there. If you read my books or my posts, you can definitely see that. Do other people’s judgements of me get to me like before? Hell no!

I think what I’ve learned as a writer, we have to use the vibe and energy that comes from our every day struggles, happiness, and fear to really feel the inner depths of our characters. When I focused my emotions into my character Nathan, I ended up knocking out his first book within two weeks. Then, I knocked out my second novel “Deadly Demons” within a few months. All of the years of trying to write as a clean author and having a perfect image was where I went wrong. I let the people around me affect my style and my voice because I didn’t want to offend anyone or be that edgy writer and try something new.

Honestly, I can’t tell you exactly where I go in my writing, but I can say this, I’m not Adam anymore. My characters take over my psychological state for those few hours I slam away at the keys. They mold me into who they are and create a vivid image of the world I want to portray. Some readers have questioned whether I have performed any of the acts Nathan has committed in my books. Just to be clear, no I haven’t. This is all fiction. My imagination ran so wild with this world, I think sometimes I frighten myself with what pops up in my mind. All of the events I see in my mind when I’m in the zone are like a movie. I want to know more myself and I have no control over where the story goes.

For “Deadly Demons”, I remember actually having to go on multiple jogs because I was constantly feeling nauseous or feeling every strike on my characters. I think I ran about fourteen miles in a five day span because the images dug deeper than the rigged tip of a glass shard. It hurt so fucking bad to write some of these scenes. I know readers love and hate my work, but the beauty is, the emotion I felt writing these books. I didn’t write it for my readers, I wrote it for myself. I wrote it because I needed to release these dark feelings that were affecting my life for so long.

 

 

 

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