I was deeply in love with a girl when I was younger. One who knew how to turn my heart into knots and force my belly to turn in spirals. At least once every season, I wake up in the middle of the night after dreaming about her. We met in high school, but we were just best friends. Our lives were complicated at the time, and it seemed like a close friendship was all we could ever be. When I finally was able to afford my first vehicle, I made the hour journey to see her every weekend.
Our first meeting was at the mall. The typical place teenagers go to enjoy their time together and just browse through stores. Hell, maybe even see a movie. I think we saw “Superman” which disappointedly is still an extremely boring movie. On that day though, it was exciting though. We kissed for the first time and even took it to her car in the parking lot. We would snap back behind the seats when the security cars drove by, but the passion was flowing in our veins.
I’d tug her long auburn hair between my fingers and bite her plump lips. The scent of her melon hair would fill my nostrils, leaving a sweet taste on the back of my tongue. I’d sneak a peak at her eyes shut while we passionately sunk into each other. I slipped my hand underneath her shirt and she would nervously push me away. We were both lost in our own world of ecstasy, but she didn’t want to move to fast. She wanted every single fiber of my being to remain with her, and I lost sight of the emotions she held onto.
She was a cheerleader and I was a musician. The two worlds were split, but she didn’t care. We’d talk about my sousaphone days with the marching band, while the football team stayed ahead on the scoreboard every Friday night. I would even visit her for the competitions she participated just to be able to get a glimpse of her own desire. She was a wonderful girl and every delicate detail of her down to the freckle on ankle made me want to devour her.
Every time I went to her house on the weekend, her dad would let us sleep together. She’d be tucked in my arms and caressing my forearm while twirling the tiny hairs into knots. I would nuzzle my nose at the nape of her neck and her the moan hum in her throat. Even the slight adjustment with her ass would make me crease between my legs. I’d let myself rub against her, and she would instantly flip over to kiss me again. Our limbs were tangled, but all that mattered was being able to taste the roof of her mouth and feel out tongues flick against each other. Our love was burning and all I wanted was to extend the candlelight into the night. I never wanted it to fade because she was all I ever wanted… All I ever needed to survive.
The last time I saw her was in her car outside of my house. We were arguing about how different our lives had become. I was an audio engineer working in Atlanta, while she was a fashion designer in Gainesville. Our lives were torn when college came around for her because she was a sorority girl and I wasn’t a frat guy. My life was focused around music, drugs, and partying. Hers was on her future. I was ignorant and stupid at the time, but my dad always says “Boys will be boys.” Well, I lost a piece of my soul that would never come back.
My dreams have haunted me for the last two years. She would be in my arms kissing me passionately. We’d be talking about our wedding and children like it were some sitcom. There were a few dreams where she was with someone else, while I was still suffering. Although I should’ve fought harder for her, I know it was the best thing for the both of us. We were toxic and broken together. It was never meant to be. I just wish her memory would jabbing me and making my heart bleed.